He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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