I wish I could punch you in the face.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
