we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
When did angry sex become our thing?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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