i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
