Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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