oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
