Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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