Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
