Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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