I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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