I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
