Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
