no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
