A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
