Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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