Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
