did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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