Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
