My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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