george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
