I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
