she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
