I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
