jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
