Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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