i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
