my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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