Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
