sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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