My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
