big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
