i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
