Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
