I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
