i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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