i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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