This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
