i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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