you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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