So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It's rum buckets o'clock
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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