Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
