I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
