I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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