i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
