she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
