Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
