just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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