he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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