Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
