haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
