I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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