i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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