He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
