I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Oh god it's open bar.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
